In The Life of Kiana: November 2008

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

my bestfriend, my blackberry...

I just want to first off thank the inventors of the. blackberry. It is the most innovative device ever made and it has saved my life...

Not in the same way that Jesus has of course, but the phone does any and. everything...and i absolutely adore it. I first became a BlackBerry fan in March of 07 and it was the greatest decision i could of evermade...it keeps me organized, connected, and it just keeps my life in order...i know that it is crazy that i am writing about a phone, but the phone if you know how to use it can help your life stay structured..

Let me just note about the day that my best friend, my BB (her name) got lost...

it happened about three weeks ago, my sister came to my job so that i could give her something and as i went to the car window i placed my best friend, my BB on the top of the car. I know what you may be thinking...how could i just single handily leave my best friend on the top of a car...and i don't know how i could of done such a thing...but i did.. so later that evening about 5 minutes later my sister calls and says do you have your phone? and i didn't so i replied to her no. She said well it was on the top of the car and i saw it fly off, hit the ground, shatter to pieces...and to top it off she said she saw a car run over it...

My beloved sister turned around to see if she could find it but it was no where in sight...so at the moment i felt my life just crumble because my best friend, my BB, was dead! But i pulled myself together and made the call to Sprint to get me a new phone and fast...ooo and big ups to Sprint, my phone carrier...they sent me a phone the very next day...at no extra charge...

Gladly, i back up regularly so all i had too was just hook it up to my Vaio and boom all my info was back on my phone...

The phone that I have now isn't like my old friend, my best friend, BB...we had history, we been through a lot...a lot of tears, arguments, laughter, rebukes...so much...but now i am looking forward to making new memories and enjoying the time with my new blackberry....while we are together...

I know this is a random blog...but my bestfriend, my Blackberry...well the phone deserves one!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

the fight for healing...

its not gone...

i thought it was gone. the feeling of wanting to touch his hand or to hear his voice which was a sweet melody to my ear. but its not. o how i desperately want it to be gone. to be removed, taken away. surgically or even by a miracle. it doesn't matter the way its removed...i just want it gone.

he is sick and i want to be there for him so bad, but i cant. I want to let him know that it will be okay, but i cant. so many restraints...good restraints...needed restraints. there was a past full of love and friendship, but now the love must die.

the truth of the matter is... i just miss my friend.

how can you be there for a friend when its not allowed?

Prayer.

So i will continue to lift him up in prayer...that is all i have to give...

I will fight for his health because that is what friends do and i know with the same intensity and passion he would do the same for me...so as i go before the Lord of Hosts, for a friend, i will believe in his healing. I will stand in faith...and as i cover my friend through faith....may the Lord heal me in the process...

"nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible...."

Monday, November 17, 2008

the Fall.

The fall is here!!! i love the fall...the beautiful colors of the leaves...the breezy weather. the fresh air...ahhh its great!!

{lessons}

Yesterday morning i was staring at my ceiling just thinking and praising God for his mercy and amazing grace..it truly is amazing. the night before was just...it was just an eye opener of who God really is..and what he expects from us...obedience...not with some things but all things.

In this past month i have learned...i have lost...i have gained...

I have learned that in all things i must do what is pleasing to the Lord not myself... I cant operate out of my emotions...the moment that i do, i have lost sight of God's purpose for whatever the situation is. at that moment i take it into my own hands and make a mess of it...O but the Spirit. My friend. My comforter. My guide through this life. If i would only be lead by him. if i would only listen to the small still voice that lives inside of me...O Spirit of God....

I have lost many things through this...i have lost sight of God...i have lost the promise...i even lost apart of myself...but i hope to get what i lost back...well some of them back...

I have gained understanding....i know that i must protect at all costs...protect myself, those involved, and above all the ministry...i understand that its better to put out fires when they are small so that they dont spread like wildfires, which consume everything in its path...

Now that i have been forgiven by God...i can now move forward...

Move to the present and future which i still have hope that it is bright for me.

Friday, November 14, 2008

friends...

friends are a dime a dozen. they are there to laugh with you and even cry. they always have a shoulder there just waiting for your head to meet it. full of words that comfort and words that can cut...but who wants friends that wont tell you like it is...??

i have great friends. friends that are full of love. full of compassion. full of encouragement. my friends have the ability to put their friends before themselves and that to me is the true essence of friendship. not that they give, but that they love enough to give.

Love is the foundation of friendship.

to be able to hold one another up. to give your all for them. to lay down your life for them. to call just because you want to see how they are doing...and thats all. distance sometimes can keep friends apart...but the love is what keeps friends connected. it is what keeps me connected to my far and away friends.

i often feel like i am not the greatest friend to people. i could call more. i could send little messages on facebook or myspace more. i could even send a text message just to say i love you. but that isnt always the case. maybe today i will do better. i will send messages. call. even visit more. i know that these little things that appear to be small to me can make a friends day just a little bit brighter. so i will take the time, for they always take the time. what would my life be without them. i dont even want to think about that.

thanks friends. thanks for your smiles, encouragement, prayers, and above all....love!

Monday, November 3, 2008

{A father's love}

i am privileged to say that i have the most wonderful fathers whose love cannot be compared too many things in this world...

it pains me to know that there are females who go through life with not having a strong male figure in their life to show them the correct way to be loved. love is such a potent feeling...but i will write a blog on my feelings about that some other time :)

a father has a place in a daughter's heart that is immovable and cannot be replaced...

a father will protect them from harm, or pain from getting near to their precious jewel's heart...they will chastise and punish their daughters to show them their wrong and to show them what is right...but in all that correcting...there is love. this type of love can never be taken away...they love so strong, so hard, so deep....its amazing.

its amazes me when i do the unimaginable thing...like breaking their heart...and knowing that i have caused them great disappointment, due to my lack of wisdom...or acting like i do not care because its easier to not face the hurt of me hurting them..if that makes sense...but i do...i care.

i want to scream!!!!!...because i know better...and even though they forgive seventy times seven...there is still this little box that lives inside of me that holds all the memories of the hurts, the breaking's, the disappointments, the lack of trust...those type things, that i caused...that seem to compile and fit perfectly inside the box...well to be honest its overflowing...

still overflowing...

but the love of the father, the look of love in their eyes, the smile they give you that lets you know they still love you and they forgive you...then comes the punishing and correcting...but i thank God for that...because it always puts me back on the right path...the path that leads me to God...oooooo that love...

overflows...

that is the type of love that drowns and washes out all types of boxes that are filled with guilt, or malcontent...thank God for love..

a father's love. ..

K.

pressing toward the goal....

Part two::the journey::the fight continues...

i found myself in a state that i was in about 4 months ago...which was awful and i cant even begin to describe it!!! Lets just say i wouldnt wish the way i felt on my worst enemy....yeah, that bad!!!
...suddenly i had a choice....

i could of fallen back into a place of despair where i felt worthless and digusted with who i was...not to mention very angry....
or....

to press...not looking at how i felt at the present moment...but knowing that my God is able and He is doing a great work in me...that will cause me to press toward the goal....

i chose option 2...

i know im not going through what i am going through for nothing....thru all of this i realize that i am a fighter...and even when i am weak, His grace is sufficient...i stand firm by His word...and with a surrendered heart i will allow Him to prune me....for like romans 8:18 says, i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us....

so how i feel today or even tomorrow i take it with a smile and a prasie on my lips because i know that what He is doing in me in spite of how i feel is far greater....
and that is what i am pressing for.....

for all who are reading this i just pray that no matter what your present circumstance is looking like, know that its building character and making you stronger for His kingdom. Dont stay in the same place that you were in today...grow...grow closer to Him....be free in Him...know that He is YOUR GOD...and that in His glory, that is where your supply is...

xx

the journey

i wrote this blog about a year ago when i was going through such a tough time with the changes that come with life. it was sooooo hard...but my faithful Lord brought me through it and i am so greatful for his faithfullness....i am still on this journey called life... still being tested... still making mistakes... still grateful... still learning.....

so here it is...

i have hit a bump in the road that is causing me to go to another place spiritually in my life that is quite unfamiliar...

Saying goodbye to the old, and hoping for greatness in the end. Seeking and learning to wait on God and when He speaks. Knowing the voice of God. Walking in the Spirit. Not allowing my emotions to guide my every decision, but the Spirit. Knowing purpose and not running away from it, but embracing it with boldness and humility and knowing that with the Spirit I wont ever go wrong.

I have hope. i have dreams and desires for my life...but what i am realizing now more than ever is it doesnt matter right now, especially in this season for me.

My goal right now is to know the Lord. To be lost in Him. To be consumed by His very presence. To know His voice....to walk in obedience. To be refined by His fire. For His nature to be put in me, so He can be seen when people see me.

Through this whole painful but joyful process... I will be found.

The real me will be found.

A close friend was telling me about his pain to healing and it was so beautiful to hear about the journey that God has him in on....and i only pray that my pain to healing will keep my knees to the carpet...because not only my life, but to those that i have been called too also depends on it! (The realization sets in!!!)......

My prayer this day for me and all who are reading that you sacrifice your life so that healing can begin. To be refined. To be consumed by His everlasting presence not so that you can go to the next level in God, but dimension.

xx

{Instructions}

living as a christian is such an awesome call, but it is so much more than just calling yourself one. we have been chosen to do so many great wonders in this world for his name sake, but the pattern that has been in the lives of christians is that we haven't decided to truly live out our lives for him.

we call ourselves sons and daughters of God, but where is the fruit? we wake up angry every morning and just hateful towards the world, but where is the joy? we confess love, but than hate our neighbor, where in that is the love of Christ? ...i believe he is waiting for a people..a generation who is hungry for his presence, for he is alive!! he is alive in us!

"what a saviour, what a story. you were crucified and now you are alive"

~Tim Hughes

we as a believers are suffering from a case of amnesia. we have forgotten what the word of God says. our basic instructions. our calling. our purpose...we have forgotten. so when a people who was created to live for the creator forgets the basic instructions, what happens?

the people die. the land dies. the world becomes dark. a loveless generation rises. a rebellious civilization is established.

the Lord is looking for one...one person who is after God's heart, but how beautiful it would be if there were many...hundreds...thousands...millions...of people after his heart...

well its happening...day by day God is raising up a generation who hungers and thirsts for righteousness...it is only a matter of time!

the instructions...

from matthew 10. niv

5-10"Do not go among Gentiles or enter

any town of the Samaritans.

Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel.

As you go, preach this message:

'The kingdom of heaven is near.'

Heal the sick. raise the dead,

cleanse those who have leprosy,

drive out demons.

Freely you have received, freely give.

Do not take along any gold or silver

or copper in your belts;

take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic,

or sandals or a staff; for the worker is worth his keep.

11-16 "Whatever town or village you enter,

search for some worthy person there and stay

at his house until you leave.

As you enter the home, give it your greeting.

If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it;

if it is not, let your peace return to you.

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words,

shake the dust off your feet when you leave

that home or town.

I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable

for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day

of judgement than for that town.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.

Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

17-20 "Be on your guard against men;

they will hand you over to the local councils

and flog you in their synagogues.

On my account you will be brought before

governors and kings as witnesses to them

and to the Gentiles.

But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say

or how to say it.

At that time you will be given what to say,

for it will not be you speaking

but the Spirit of your Father

speaking through you.

21-23 "Brother will betray brother to death,

and a father his child;

children will rebel against their parents

and have them put to death.

All men will hate you because of me,

but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

When you are persecuted in one place,

flee to another.

I tell you the truth,

you will not finish going through the cities

of Israel before the Son of Man comes.

24-25 A student is not above his teacher,

nor a servant above his master.

It is enough for the student to be like his teacher,

and the servant like his master.

If the head of the house has been called Beelzebub,

how much more the members of his household!

26-31 "So do not be afraid of them.

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed,

or hidden that will not be made known.

What I tell you in the dark,

speak in the daylight;

what is whispered in your ear,

proclaim from the roofs.

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body

but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid

of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground

apart from the will of you Father.

And even the very hairs of your head

are all numbered. So don't be afraid;

you are worth more than many sparrows.

32-36 "Whoever acknowledges me before men,

I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.

But whoever disowns me before men,

I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

Do not suppose that i have come to bring peace

to the earth.

I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

For I have come to turn

"a man against his father,

a daughter against her mother,

a daughter in law against her mother in law --

a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.

37-42 Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me

is not worthy of me; anyone who loves

his son or daughter more than me

is not worthy of me;

and any one who does not take his cross and follow

me is not worth of me.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his

life for my sake will find it.

He who receives you receives me, and he who receives a

prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet's

reward, and anyone who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man

will receive a righteous man's reward.

And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water

to one of these little ones because he is my disciple,

I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.

In The Life of Kiana